I guess it is not a big deal. It did not get used much in the last year that I have had it anyway. Figured I may as well toss in the blue ray player, too. While we’re at it, the Black Web HDMI cord. $300 total for all of it. If I want to watch something that bad, I have my laptop. Plus, using the hot spot to watch movies with Ado is taking up all my 15GB that MetroPCS offers on the plan I have for $60 a month. Without my hot spot working at home, it is a total bummer and it makes me not want to write as much. Without writing and without friends out here, it is easy to sink into a depression.
I don’t give a fuck what the cards or Spirit is telling me is coming one day in my future. The cards have been telling me for over a year there is a huge something coming. Some offer. Some love. Someone from my past, etc, etc, etc. It never changes. No wait. Before, when I thought Chris was into me, the cards were saying I have a past someone coming to apologize for some shit and a new love opportunity. Once I realized I was completely mistaken about Chris, the cards went back to telling me someone from my past and blah blah blah.
It is not that I do not believe all this is real. It definitely is real.
However, I’ll be damned if I am going to sit on my ass waiting for ANYTHING to just happen to me. If you want something in life, you have to go after it. Not sit around on your ass ‘having faith’. Some call it having faith that the Universe has your back. No. Not for me. Some action needs to be taken. Not towards Kieran, though. I have done all the chasing I am ever going to do. Plus, there is no need to chase anyone. He is already a part of me. The cock I can get over. You can’t miss what you haven’t experienced anyway.
I have not gotten a call back from the Hip Hop Shop, though every time I ask the pendulum if I will get the job, the answer is still YES. I have asked on more than one occasion whether or not applying for Walmart will be in my best interest. The answer is still NO. Fine. How about Burger King? They are hiring. And if I hear one more time, “Hang tight. It’s coming,” or worse, “Hang tight he’s coming”, I am going to scream.
I, like all of us, were programmed from day 1 to learn some stuff to work so you can pay bills and keep the economy going. Oh and while you’re at it, worry about what everyone else thinks about you. It is hard for me to just sit back and wonder whether or not my landlord is going to let me stay without paying rent.
I tried calling the Unemployment Office again. And again, I get the recorded message, “All of our representatives are assisting other customers. Please try your call again later.” Then CLICK. It hangs up on you.
It’s like what Sarah Connor says in The Terminator. “The future is not set.”
So, why the hell do I ask these lame questions about my future with this guy? It is starting to sound and FEEL a little idiotic.
The truth is, if anyone wants to speak with you, they will. That’s it. That’s all.
It has nothing to do with having faith. If someone wants to speak with you, they will make the effort.
My mother doesn’t call me. She tells me she misses me. But, she doesn’t call. She’ll call to get an update on how I am doing once every couple months and that is only if I do not call her to give her the low down.
Why call her to tell her I am not working, have $0.33 to my name and have oatmeal and frozen veggies to eat until my $204 in food stamps hit my beloved EBT card on February 9th? So, she can tell me all the things I did to get to where I am?
I installed the Tinder app instead. Then I un-installed it because I felt guilty.
Then today, I reinstalled it.
I don’t care who knows. I am lonely and BORED out of my fucking mind. I just want one other friend other than Adonnis in this town to talk to and maybe laugh with. I am not looking for sex, as it is really over-rated with someone you don’t have a ‘thing’ for anyway. I am not saying I won’t do it if the horniness hits me, though. I have been ready to move on with my life without Kieran for some time now. Quarantine is what has kept me from going to the bar to meet people.
I also got a hold of Joe again. I needed to apologize for ghosting him. I changed my number and did not bother to tell him and just went silent. That sucks to do to someone. So, I apologized. We may hang out again.
I’m sorry, hun. I need to do what I need to do. I pray you are happy and healthy wherever you are.
I’ll always have the love I have for you. Always.
But, this is hard with only one friend in the world over here.
You do what you need to do, too. I’ll see you again one day, I think. I don’t know anymore.